peoples minds are so engulfed with this thought that they don’t have to be honest or they’re consumed with this thought that everyone is out to get them. They get so lost that they almost loose themselves along the way and every ounce of self worth they contain. they almost cant distinguish between a lie and the truth as every thing they say is nothing more than a lie covered by the next that lingers on their lips. Excitement getting the best of their thoughts they drowned in a pool of pity and guilt. so guilty that they cant dig themselves out of the once shallow hole getting deeper as each lie gets stronger.. it has now became the grave they plan to lay themselves in. wishing they could rewind time or at least pause it, standing still wanting to escape and find the so called fountain of youth to hopefully at least slow down this whirlwind of confusion they’ve created. feeling the untruthful words catching up to them the steps now begin to pick up pace and all they can feel is the world closing in, running, feeling the wind rush through their hair yet the only thing the wind carries is the very words they spoke.. the pressure becoming so much that not even they can handle the pain they’re inflicting on others. the pain becoming so real and so heavy the truth might have to come out. but so afraid that their world may stop and the wind will cease they keep the pace that at one time was the only thing keeping them sane. at once so content with these lies yet now as if the rain has turned into a storm they lay in the puddle and promise to never let themselves get caught. willing to do anything in their power to keep up with this ‘world’ they’ve created of their own that not even the closest heart they possess matters anymore..

Blinded because all I wanted was to believe that you were more than what I’m used to, Better than what I have seen and more than I’ve been shown.. Blinded I started to fall yet I didnt know you would be nowhere to be found when it was time to catch me. Laying on the cold hard floor your secrets are scattered around me and I see each of them as a red flag I should have seen earlier. Although your plans have failed I still see them as a threat. Something you were unable to accomplish yet I hope you know it was NEVER tangible in the first place. Never did I fall for the person you are, I started to fall for the person I THOUGHT you were.. because the person you are is someone so far from my idea of perfection that I would have never let you in my heart to begin with… Forget me, because I’ve already forgotten you :]

Me, a lesbian woman in a room full of straight people who in NO way understand my thoughts, views, feelings or anything for that matter on the subject of my sexuality. I sit and get questioned like “how do you have sex with a woman?” “how are you a lesbian if you have a child? that definitely means you’re bisexual” “do you like feminine women or boyish women?” “how long have you known you’re a lesbian?” “is it genetic?” “dont people hate on you for your choices?” “arent you afraid of people making fun of your child later on in life?” “arent you afraid that god will see your sexuality as a sin?” “dont people ever call you things like dyke or fag?” “does your family accept you?”

Honestly..

I see the way I live my life as a blessing.. I’ve learned to be comfortable with myself. Out and proud of who I am and my sexuality. I like women… Soooooo?! I sit and answer every question calmly trying to explain how things are and why I am the way that I am yet they dont understand and probably never will.. Laughing or making comments like “you just havent met the right guy” the comment I think I hate more than any of them.. THATS NOT IT!!!! I just dont like men.. I’m not attracted to them! 

But I’ve decided..

I’m done explaining myself to the world and everyone I encounter.. I’m me for me nobody else..

I felt ok this morning. Happy, content.. alive. But as I sit here my thoughts clutter my mind and I’m sent into a complete mood change… I think its the lack of love I feel and the loneliness I’ve encountered.

…I just wish she’d rescue me

…the fact that i feel myself falling for you already :]

The confusion I encounter on a daily basis clouds my vision and alters my judgment.. The pain I feel fills my heart and keeps a shade over my eyes so you cant see the tears fall as I sit alone and drain all feeling I have stored away. Emptiness overcomes me even though there is so much love around me.. Feeling like regaining happiness will help yet my heart is damaged beyond repair and the scars will forever remain a part of me.. Changing the person I am I become stronger yet more guarded.. Keeping you close yet not letting you enter my heart because the bitterness I’ve collected keeps you at a distance.. I know its not your fault I am this way but I cant help but think you’re probably like everyone else… “you seem happy” everyone says yet I know nobody knows the truth of how dark my days are and how empty my soul feels.. I gave up asking, begging for help because I know that I’m the only one who can fix me.. if thats even possible..

Just please dont hate me for the decisions I make and the way I go about my feelings for you..

I could go back in time..

I could take it all back and go back to the way things used to be..

Im so fucking sick of being this way..

(Source: crosstheline, via danks-k-a-n-k-s)